Random Thoughts on Change

As weird/bad as it sounds, I completely and unequivocally underestimated how much I would love my own child. The part of my brain that had not yet experienced motherhood couldn't process it. I mention this because yesterday was my first day back at work and two months ago I never thought it would be hard for me to be here. In fact, just a few months ago I couldn't imagine not working. It didn't matter that a baby was on the way and that working was about to become complicated. I didn't care that my husband told me it would be harder than I thought and that I should re-think the decision to go back. I was stubborn and there was no way I could quit my job. I had to work. I had to. I've been a working woman since I was 14-years-old and I didn't know how to give it up.

The part of me that wanted to come back to work is hard to explain. I don't expect it to make sense. I often hear women say things like "I used to be this" or "I used to be that but now everything has changed" because then they grew up or they graduated from college or they got married or became a mother, etc. I always thought there was no way it would happen to me. I didn't want it to happen to me. I was plagued by fears of the unknown. I didn't know what it was like to be a mom. I only knew what it was like to have a career and my independence. What if I hated taking care of a baby full-time? What if I was bad at it? What if I never got the hang of it, what if, what if, what if . . . What I failed to consider was the other side of the what ifs. What if something else totally trumped any type of career? What if I completely fell in love with that little boy with enormous cheeks, crinkly lips and the cutest smile I have ever seen? What if leaving him breaks my heart?

So, I'm starting to see more clearly how the changes happen. You change, darn it, you just do. It's not that I still don't have dreams or wouldn't love to keep working somehow. But somewhere in the last couple of months that little boy with enormous cheeks completely stole my heart. And he needs me. So, starting March 1st, my job with the Congressman's office will be in my past. I'll still be working, just in a different capacity and at a job I didn't expect to love quite as much as I do. And although I don't love every part of the new job description (changing diapers, wiping up spit up, getting up at 3 and 5 a.m., etc.), I love my little boy and I'll do it for him, because even if he won't remember any part of the fact that I stayed home with him when he was a baby, I will remember it. And in a few years, when he turns into a punky teenager, I will look at these pictures and remind myself just how much I love him . . .

(JB with his Aunt Amy)